Dearest Creators
by Vacant.Caskets
Summary: The host club writes letters to the creator of OHSHC. Humor, Rated T for safety.
1. Haruhi's Letter

Disclaimer: I do –not- own OHSHC.

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Dear Creators:

So far you've done well with the show, but I have some complaints I would like to address…

1. What is with the girls' uniforms? I mean, come on! Big, ugly, puffy, yellow dresses? WTF?

2. You have NO IDEA what most girls wear today. In the episode where we went to an actual beach, what the hell was that hideous thing I had to wear to dinner? SO not cool. And why would the host club LIKE that horrendous garment? I think it was all just a plot to see how many stupid outfits you guys can force me into before episode 26.

3. Is there a specific REASON that Kyouya tried to fucking rape me? He never did answer my question, about whether or not he was 'playing' the bad guy, and Tamaki was dumbfounded to see us in his room with the lights off. Once again, WHAT THE HELL? Am I a toy to you, as well?

4. What was with the Lobelia episodes? I almost got kidnapped by a bunch of lesbians—twice! I'm starting to see how you've been sexually abusing me, creators…

5. WTF was with episode 21? I HAD TO STICK MY FUCKING BREASTS IN HIKARU'S FACE! Not to mention the whole "Cinderella" narration. What was with that, anyway?

6. Why do I have so many shirtless scenes? I mean, come on! In one of them, I get almost-raped by a fucking pedophile! But NO, before you could almost-rape me AGAIN, you have to say he's the 'good guy'.

7. What was with the overdramatic Twin-love scene in episode 26? How the hell did Hikaru manage to make the carriage flip him out of it? That shit was _airborne_!

8. Do you think it's funny to sit back and watch me get called a 'crossdresser' on various fanfictions? _Do you?_

9. What was going through your head when you decided to create "Hikaru x Haruhi"? Was it another plan to get me almost-raped for what would be the THIRD time?

10. Why am I always the damsel in distress? It seems like I'm risking my life every time I turn around!

11. Why the bloody FUCK is Tamaki always wanting to 'be alone' with me? I walk in on him on some episode, and he's practically raping a figurine, pretending it's me! And you let me be in the same ROOM with this guy?

12. And lastly, what the HELL was with the beginning of episode fifteen? Because, you know, all the _logical _people want to see the Hitachiin twins in bed the morning after a fuckfest.

Love,

Haruhi Fujioka.


	2. Kyouya's Letter

**_Author's Note: If you're a Kyouya fan girl, you may want to brace yourself. He gets totally dissed._**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own OHSHC. –Sob-_**

Dear Creators:

There are a great number of things I'd like to ask you about. I will list those most important.

1.Why am I the 'Shadow King'? Just because I'm –ahem- smarter than the average bear... doesn't mean I'm evil!

2.Why do I have to get hit on episode 26? Why me? I mean, Tamaki's grandmother could have smacked him upside the head; but NO. It just _had_ to be me.

3. I'd KILL to know why I had to almost-rape Haruhi. What was the point of that? Are you trying to make me a male, teen prostitute or something?

4. I HAVE NO DAMN ANGER ISSUES. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING IT SEEM LIKE I DO?!

5. I always look so…expressionless. I'm like Mori, for God's sake! At least make me have a DEFINED FACE for once!

6. Another almost-raped-Haruhi-episode question. What was with the whole 'sexy act of drinking water' thing? Very unattractive, I was fucking CHUGGING it.

7. I am a MOOCHER. I had to mooch off of Haruhi in the mall. I'm fucking rich, man! Completely unnecessary!

8. With all of my family's money, and all of the club's funds, why the hell am I still wearing glasses? I believe I can afford contacts!

9. Mom. MOM! What the hell? First I'm the 'Low-Blood-Pressure whatever it was' and now I'm a DRAG QUEEN?

10. Okay. Why am I the 'cool type'? I'm not cool worth a shit! I'm wearing fucking glasses and sporting a NERD HAIRCUT, you assholes! And God knows what I'm doing on that laptop all the time. Knowing your perverted minds I'm probably downloading porn!

11. Why am I never the center of attention? Why do I never go in my emo corner because Haruhi said something nonchalant but still slightly offensive to me? I've got problems, too!

12. Last but not least, I suck at being a host. You know it's true. I'll be all romantic and then I'll ruin the moment by saying something like "So, if you want to buy…" Why? WHY? Then, when I AM romantic to them, you've got me in a damn kimono! A BIG turn-off!

Sometimes I think no one gets me but my porn-filled laptop.

Sincerely,

Kyouya Ootori


End file.
